Happy Birthday, L

Happy Birthday, L!

Forcing guests at a surprise party to hide and be quiet was hard enough when said guests were actually normal. When they were teenagers whose lack of social skills was made up for by their ridiculously high IQs… well, this was a different task altogether.

Quillsh Wammy sighed, his shoulder sagging as his voice recovered from another bout of useless yelling. There were only three children present, and yet somehow they had managed to cover the once-clean floor with puzzle pieces, bits of melted chocolate, and the occasional Nintendo DS cartridge which had been thrown out of frustration. Getting everyone into position-and out of the carefully chosen strawberry-flavored cake-before the guest of honor arrived was going to be quite the ordeal. "Listen, everyone!" he shouted, finally ready to try getting everything in order again, "Ryuuzaki will be here soon and-Mello, what are you wearing?!"

"He's showing his true colors, is all," snickered Matt, eyes trained, as usual, on the small handheld video game that he was clutching wildly. He had somehow managed to back himself into a corner, protected by some kind of fort that he had built out of the gift wrapped packages which were supposed to be lying next to the cake.

"Shut the hell up!" snarled the hotheaded blonde at his friend, before turning to Watari defiantly. "It's Hallo-freakin'-ween; what do you expect me to wear!? Haven't you ever seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show before?!"

"No, I…. haven't…" murmured Wammy, staring with growing horror at the woman's lingerie his second-best student had chosen to wear. True colors, indeed-ah, but that wasn't the point. "Anyways, don't you three at least want to look excited about this? He's supposed to be your idol, after all…" he finished, hoping that the power of guilt was on his side.

It wasn't. "I bought him a present," Near said in his usual grainy monotone. "It's a Rubik's Cube… that's fifty-by-fifty-by-fifty large. I hope it's not too easy…"

Mello sneered in the white-haired child's general direction. "That's nothing, you idiot. Real presents come from sacrifice. I gave him a whole one of my chocolate bars today!"

Matt stared down at a ridiculously small box at his feet and coughed in a way that was obviously contrived and designed to get one's attention.

Mello looked in the direction of the noise, made a small sound of recognition, then corrected himself: "Well, half of a chocolate bar."

"No self control…" murmured Near quietly.

Before the chocoholic could ball his hand into a fist, however, there was a clack sound from the direction of the door, all four guests turned to see what appeared to be the greatest detective on Earth… but what they were only 67% was the greatest detective on Earth, and not because they doubted his deductive skills.

"Hah!" cried Mello triumphantly, "I told you we were supposed to wear costumes! You're all losers!"

L's eyes went immediately to the currently lopsided, but still delicious-looking, strawberry cake in the center of the room. Wiping a bit of ketchup out of his hair, he made his way slowly towards the lone table and its tantalizing dessert.

Finally, Watari managed to clear his throat and began, "Ah, Ryuuzaki, happy birthday and… are you all right?"

Thank you, and yes," replied the detective. All three of his students stared in awe at his costume-even Mello had managed to shut up and Matt had wrenched his eyes away from his game. His face, arms, and (as usual, bare) feet had all been meticulously painted a sickly green. Fake blood abounded, and his usual jeans and T-shirt were in tatters. Observing their confused looks, he explained, "I'm a zombie."

Near had always proved to be the most adaptable of L's three protégés, so it was only natural that he was the first to move. Snatching his gift (which had been carefully wrapped in Transformers wrapping paper) from Matt's fort, he waddled lazily up to his idol and held it up ceremoniously.

"Thank you," repeated L, taking the large package. In usual L style, he ripped off the wrapping paper using only his right thumb and forefinger, a task that for the average person would be near-impossible. As Near had confirmed earlier, it was a specially-made 50x50x50 Rubik's cube, and L stared at it with interest before placing  it gently on the room's sole table. He then reached down and scooped the fourteen-year-old, who hadn't seemed to grow at all since his seventh birthday, up in his arms, hugging him tightly. Mello glowered enviously.

Super-genius father figure or not, it was beyond Near to show even the slightest bit of affection towards anyone, yet he was smiling as he returned to his Legos and plopped down on the floor.

"It's my turn next!" snapped Mello quickly, staring fiercely at the costumed detective. It was hard to take the violent teenager seriously in his current outfit, and yet somehow L managed. Matt chucked the gift wrapped half-chocolate-bar in his friend's direction, and Mello caught it expertly before walking up to L. "Here," he offered, resisting all temptation to finish what he had started and devour the remaining chocolate meant for L.

L picked it up before he could, however, holding the gift with his thumb and forefinger as usual. He peeled the wrapping off meticulously, then regarded the half-eaten Hershey's bar with as much enthusiasm as a man as dull as L could muster. "Delicious," he commented, "But I'm afraid I only eat brains."

When his joke was met with silence, L repeated his earlier explanation: "I'm a zombie."

More silence. Seeing an opportunity to win points with his mentor, Mello burst into peals of fake laughter. "I thought it was funny," he sniffed, glaring over L's shoulder at Near.

"Thank you," replied L, for the third time. He then turned to Matt expectantly.

"One second, dude…" assured the gamer, leaning in towards the handheld in what L could only assume was an attempt to enter the digital world itself. There was a long moment of silence as all eyes were on Matt. Finally he tossed the DS away, groaning, "I lost…" as if it wasn't already obvious enough. Picking up a small box from the (now much smaller) pile, he stalked over to L and held it out sulkily.

Again L unwrapped the giftwrap, and again he held the gift up wordlessly. This time it was an X-Box 360 game, appropriately titled The Orange Box, seeing as the box was orange. "There's a game in there about puzzles and cake," explained Matt. "It really sounds like something you'd like."

"Why, thank you. I'm looking forward to it," replied L, despite the fact that he didn't own an X-Box 360, or any other gaming platform for that purpose. It was the thought that counts, and at least Matt hadn't eaten half of his present.

Wammy coughed suspiciously, and the four uber-geniuses glanced over with vague interest. "It seems we received a few anonymous gifts, too…"

The first was an unwrapped jar of strawberry jam. When it seemed that L wasn't going to make a move on it, Mello closed in on the jar suspiciously until he heard the detective mention, "I'm 46 percent sure it's poisoned. I must say, Beyond does not give up…"

The next was a coupon for one-hundred free cakes. L was rather excited until he noticed the small print at the bottom: "Must sign (with one's full name) before using." It didn't take a detective to guess which archenemy of L's that was from.

In fact, the only anonymous gift that wasn't an attempt at L's life was the DVD box set of Capoeira training videos. Even though the sender was anonymous, L's deduction skills proved to be true once again, as his eyes flashed with recognition as he read the attached note: "Just in case the tapes were getting outdated, and you had another twin of yours to deal with."

Finally, the gift-opening was done with, and the guests set on eating the cake… or rather, watching L eat the cake. Zombies may only eat brains, but L wasn't going to lose this chance at having an actual reason to gorge himself on strawberry cake.

After a few long moments, with only the sound of L's chewing to break the silence, Near picked up a toy airplane and began "flying" it around in his hand, making appropriate sound effects to match. Just before Mello could tell him to shut the hell up or Matt could realize that the secret to beating the current level involved using the hidden airplane, L reached over from his feast and snatched the plastic toy from his student's hand. Wordlessly, the detective released his hold on the hijacked plaything and dropped in on the floor unceremoniously. Near glared reproachfully at his mentor, secretly feeling a bit hurt that L had been so short with him. Even Watari, the one who could usually explain the detective's mysterious behavior, was at a loss. Had the party really been that disappointing?

But, without fail, L managed to surprise the guests again. Suddenly, he sprung up and announced, "Zombie apocalypse!" He then proceeded to tackle Matt and pantomime gnawing at his flesh.

"What the-" Matt's game-given instincts were activated before he could finish the sentence, and he rolled over onto his stomach before kicking L fiercely in the gut. The detective recoiled, then spun around and attacked Near. For once the boring little child was actually laughing.

Angered and rather hurt at not being the zombie-detective's choice of prey, Mello jumped into the fray, pulling out a carefully-hidden water pistol from his garters. Naturally, he aimed it directly at Near, and soon the boy was dripping wet, his curly white hair plastered onto his face. The toy enthusiast's face reverted to his usual glare for a moment before throwing a lego fiercely into his rival's face. Seeing an opportunity to practice his Street Fighter skills, Matt immediately ran up and punched Mello in the back of the head. The blonde whipped around, dislodging the straw lego from his hair, and aimed the water pistol at his friend. Matt laughed and jumped to the side, barely avoiding the spray.

Quillsh watched with mild amazement. Somehow a birthday party had turned into… a brawl. But, as long as no bones were broken, he supposed it was all right… Taking the L's plate, which still held half a slice of cake, he leaned back in his chair and enjoyed the view…